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Thursday, August 9, 2012 § 0

I must remember this feeling. The feeling of being lonely. The feeling that I am afraid the most. But here I am, falling to the most frightened spot AGAIN.

I don’t wanna get involved with my so called GLORIOUS past. Let bygone be bygone. I am at the state where I wanna lose everyone in my life. I don’t wanna get involved in their business. I wanna focus to myself. It’s okey if they wanna mingle with me, but for me to start it over, NOPE. There is no more Mr. The-Plan-Is-There-Is-No-Plan. No more. That dude had died a long time ago, died when he’s deciding to drop off each of his alliances.

I don’t know how this idea came in, or how on the first place the seeds of peeling them off ever planted. I was like seriously, am I ready to do this? Maybe it started when the person I am trusted the most had played my trust and loyalty. That person (not stating either ‘he’ or ‘she’) throwing me to a place where I am the common one while adoring me at a higher place. Maybe it was my mistake after all, believing to what had been said while I am already alerted that it was just a junk of shit. That person always keep on convincing me that every word to me is true, or can be said every word that spoken by that person to me had been plagiarized to each human being ever existed. Sigh. I must not complaint about that. I have bigger life to fight for rather than playing a kite that has neither string nor wind.

Other factor might spark this feeling too. You are one of the army in the chess set, let say you are the Bishop. You have trusted Block will protecting you while you are chasing away the black ones. Instead Block making a very good strategy with Knight to be on the side of the King, protecting him with all their might leaving you useless at the square. There are time when the King have to switch place with Block and Bishop making a very good trap at protecting not only the Kings, but the entire army but then all of the game been control by Knight and Block. Once again your trap as Bishop is total rubbish. At the end you’ll leave the army and becoming other set of game boards.

On the other side, it could be arise from other thing too. Have you ever inviting a person to your, let say a slumber party. You might have. You are having a good time with the invitee until at one point it was killed by full of bubble-on-the-head-blah-blah. Then the co-host is joining you and once again a slumber party becomes a movie to be watched on 3D cinema. The 3D specs are so real until you confuse which one is the picture and which one is the reality.

However these were only my senses. It might not be true. It might caused by my annoyed attitude. Who know? I am not that perfect. My flaws done by me and I am welcoming people to elaborate it point by point. I won’t be defensive because the fact that I DON’T CARE AYMORE. I am better with myself. I always say this to me; “Syahmi you are no good friends, they will end up being your foes or awkward silence”. I replied to that voice; “Neerrhh, bullshit. I could be anyone, loved by gazzilions people. Who cares”. You know what, I do care about myself and making the whole reply just another junk of shit. Then here I am again, ended up like this.

I always terrified when asked by STUPID (caps letter, means an exclamation) question such as “Are you alone?”, “Who’s coming with you?” or “Sorang je?” I am terrified, I can’t answer it. But now I am proudly can answer it “I am with myself, now would you mind if I wanna spend some quality time with my best friend, MYSELF?”.. Yeah!! Fuck it; I can live that way now. You can save your pathetic and sympathy tilt neck for your next less fortunate friends.

I have to drop them off, but what can I say. They choose to leave me and I am choosing to let them leave me. Nothing to regret, nothing to be saddened. No watery eyes, because I know I am strong to get through this moment. People claims life is like a wheel, so what is wrong with me enjoying the lower part of the wheel now. Am I?



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